Hollywood Marriages Vs. God’s Model For Marriage

Introduction

Well, I want to make sure I get the message across right at the very beginning. Where is your hope fixed? Upon what is your mind focused the most? I want to look at three passages with you. As we ask this question and answer it tonight, I want you to look with me first to 1 Timothy chapter 6 and verse 17. And as I said before, this passage has relevance to all of us because indeed we are rich in terms of our material possessions. Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches. Okay, so where should we fix our hope? And that’s what I want you to focus on, but on God who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy.

So we need to focus then on God, who can richly supply us with the things that will bring enjoyment. Another passage, 1 Peter 1 and verse 13, as we continue to answer this question, where is your hope fixed? 1 Peter 1 and verse 13. Therefore, gird your minds for action. Keep sober in spirit. And then this fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. One more text in Hebrews chapter 12, very familiar, after we have seen that great cloud of witnesses in chapter 11, and we are surrounded by such a great cloud, we are admonished to lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily entangles us and run with endurance, the race that is set before us doing what?

See what all these passages have in common. Fixing our whole, fixing our eyes, this text says, on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despised the shame, and is set down at the right hand of God. And so 1 Timothy 6 first talks about something that people tend to focus all their hopes on, and that is material things. And Paul is saying that’s going to disappoint you. You need to focus your hopes on God, who richly supplies you with all the things that you need to enjoy life and eternity in his presence. But beyond material things, many will place their hopes on the pursuit of and obtaining the ultimate relationship. And if this ultimate relationship is blissful enough, it might just lead to a lifelong, as we’re going to talk about that more in a moment, would even get married anymore.

Some don’t. But now we have a provision called common law marriage. So if you’ve been together long enough, well, if things break up, the courts decide that you’re married, and now that you’re divorced, it’s time to split up everything. So now we have common law marriage in our culture. But still there are a lot of Hollywood folks who give marriage a go. This must be the ultimate person. I found the ultimate relationship. And so the question is, how can I find that? The ultimate relationship, the dream relationship. Is the key to all of this? Finding exactly the right person. And not choosing a dud. You don’t want to choose a dud for this marriage relationship. So what are you looking for? Now I’ve got something right down Charles Coffey’s alley here.

The great purveyors of societal wisdom from the 1980s, Van Halen. Right on. Everybody’s looking for something, they said. Something to fill in the hole. We think a lot, but don’t talk much about it till things get out of control. You know, everybody’s looking to fill the hole. And maybe it’s this ultimate relationship. After all, marriage is such a big part of our culture. It’s a big part of the biblical message as we have Adam and Eve, the first married couple, and so much said about marriage in this most sacred of books. And so, since marriage is such a big part of our culture, that maybe this ultimate relationship on earth is where we’re going to find true and lasting happiness. But boy, when things don’t work out.

As Van Halen tells us, when things get out of control, people really want to know where’s the answer for things. Well, Johnny Lee’s song of 1980, a little bit before Van Halen might describe some of the problem here, and that is the folks are looking for love in all the wrong places. And certainly that’s true as well. So as Lee examine tonight this subject of marriage, how to find an excellent mate, how to make it the kind of union. After all, God did not make marriage for our misery. I think sometimes that’s sort of our response.

But that was not God’s intentions at all. And he gives us a lot of instruction to help make that union all that he intended for it to be. But did he want that to be the end all and be all of life? And I think some people pursue the concept of this relationship of marriage. This is going to be it. This is going to be the end all and be all of life. And then when it comes up a little bit disappointing or a lot disappointing, what has gone wrong? How can I fix this problem? So this lesson tonight is for those who’ve never been married and who will one day very soon seek a mate and the choice that you will make, but not just the choice that you will make, but the way that you will pursue this union.

1. The Media Is Teaching You About Relationships

And this lesson is even for those who are already married. And what to do if perhaps things have turned out less than ideal in your mind, or way less than ideal. And how I’m supposed to deal with that, how I’m supposed to cope with that. And perhaps there’s some other person down the road that’s going to be the solution for the whole that Van Halen was talking about. And so, as I have been advertising, we are going to talk about Hollywood’s formula for marriage. And this is important as we contrast Hollywood’s view of marriage with God’s formula for marriage. Listen, everywhere you turn, the media is teaching you and instructing you about relationships. Did you realize that? And we can say, well, I’ve got that in its proper box, but I want to tell you, those things do influence the way we think and the way relationships are portrayed.

A lot of our movies today, where there is some kind of chemistry between a man and a woman, 90% of the time leads to fornication. Maybe that’s a conservative figure. But they may even go as far as marriage. But have you ever noticed that in these relationships that unfold, and you’re sort of rooting for them to get together? You know, Hollywood’s good at that. That’s what makes a good movie. You’re supposed to be rooting for these two, whether they’re Starcrossed lovers or whatever it is, that we’re rooting for them to get together, oh, this is great. They finally got together, and there’s all kinds of obstacles in the way. They finally get together, and oh, we’re happy. You ever notice about these relationships that are so blissfully happy, and maybe we get to see the marriage every now and then, and all the ladies, oh, we love a beautiful marriage, and of course Hollywood can really do a beautiful marriage.

What about after that? You know what you don’t see in any of these Hollywood stories, very rarely, is grocery shopping, piles of laundry, cooking dinner, paying bills, the annoying things that the spouse, oh no, it’s just a raptured love story. They can’t get enough of each other. This is great. It’s gonna last forever. And none of the reality of married life is usually considered. Not saying this does several things to us. And we think if you don’t have your guard up, this can do something to us in the way that we think. Number one, the seeds of discontentment can be sown. We look at our spouse and this person on the screen, and we say, he don’t measure up. And he probably don’t. Or she doesn’t measure up.

Well, you know, you’re gonna have to be a top model to even get this position to play this part in the movie. I mean, obviously, this is gonna be a beautiful woman and a handsome man, and even from the standpoint of just physical appearance, we’re talking about, they look spectacular. And so my spouse doesn’t measure up. Number one, seeds of discontentment are sown. Number two, thrill and the magic and enchantment last. We look at this love story unfold, and oh, it’s magical. They’re thrilled in the discovery of this perfect person with which to live their lives. Of course, we don’t see the living out of their lives, we just know they live happily ever after. All we’ve got is the beginning stages of this budding, wonderful romance.

And we look at our own situation.

And that goes with the seeds of discontentment that are sown. And number three, because of the discontentment, we’re looking for a solution to the ordinary and the boring. Because some parts of our lives just don’t provide a lot of thrill. You know, guys, if you’re helping the wife at all with some of the laundry and the chores around the house, or she’s helping you with some of the outdoor chores. And, you know, I don’t know about you, but when I’m out mowing the yard, I just, this is so thrilling. You know, when I get done, when I get done and see just how perfect, oh, I just get so much out of that. Really? But I guess we can sort of be like some of the Hollywood people and pay people to do all those.

If we had servants, if we just had servants, everything would be. If somebody cooked the meals, some people have their own chefs, they can afford that. So, guys, get out there and make a lot of money so your wife can have her own personal chef, so she could just free up all of her time to be enrapturously devoted to you. And if you had all this free time because you weren’t cooking and cleaning and all of those other things, we could take exotic trips and do it. But what if she wanted to do something that you didn’t want to do? Or what if her likes and interests were different than your likes and interests? Perhaps there could be some conflict that unfolded about that. Let me tell you about Hollywood’s formula for marriage, as it sometimes spreads this discontentment.

2. Hollywood's Formula for Marriage

And I’ll tell you this reality. Reality is ignored. It’s even ignored in regard to those who are playing those roles. And their own personal marriages. Let me tell you what Hollywood’s formula for marriage is, number one. And we’re convinced of this early on by some of those shows that our children watch, even. The key to it all, you’ve got to find the right person. Snow White. Prince Charming is the key to everything. Just get Prince Charming, and everything’s going to work out wonderfully well. So everybody’s looking for their Prince Charming. Or, as in the case of Aladdin, he might be a diamond in the rough. But you’re going to turn him into a prince. Or beauty in the beast. She’s going to tame the beast. And then again, happily ever after.

Finding the right person. Was the movie Sandra Bullock while you were sleeping? She was selling the tickets at the ticket booth, and the guy would come and buy his ticket, and she’d go, oh man, this is the guy. Oh, if I can just. And then he gets mugged or whatever and falls in the track, and she helps rescue him, and he’s in the hospital. He’s knocked unconscious. And of course, she thought this was the guy, but no, he wasn’t the guy. The guy was his brother. And so while he’s sleeping, she actually falls in this rapturous love with the brother rather than him. She thought it was him, but no, it was the brother, actually. And just so happens, everything works out perfectly, and she finds it.

And then there’s Tom Hanks. And what’s her name? They’re in those classic movies. You know, he’s the radio guy, and sleepless in Seattle. There we go. And yeah, Meg Ryan. That’s her. And, you know, they finally, after all of this Star Cross triangle. Finally, they get together at the what, the Eiffel Tower. I don’t know where it was. Where was it? New York skyscraper somewhere. It’s been a while since I’ve watched that movie. And that’s all we need. The perfect person, the right place. Boom! Kismet, there it is. What do you think about it? Is it all about finding this one right person in the world? There’s 6.8 billion people in the world. Hollywood makes it makes it look like if all the circumstances fall together, if they fall out of a storybook.

I sort of like that movie, Enchanted. You know, if they fall out of a storybook, then there it is. But what if your one perfect person lives in China? You’ve got a problem. Mulan. She’s the one. She lives in China. So what are we going to do? That’s Hollywood’s formula for marriage. You gotta find the right person. And then when you happen to find the right person, then you fall in love.

And we experience that when we call it infatuation. There’s this endorphin rush. I mean, to Hollywood, it’s literally all chemistry. And that’s right. It really is body chemistry. It’s the release of endorphins. And when that happens, you know, all you can think about is that person. Just their smell. Just to hear their voice. For them to give you just a little smidgen of their attention. And there it goes. Chemistry. Endorphin rush. It’s infatuation. Boy, and if that doesn’t work out, then we’ve our hearts are broken. We’re crushed. We’re devastated. Because we were in love. And yet you’d look at any married couple that have been married for any length of time, and hmm, when he talks to me, I don’t feel that way anymore.

And if that still happens in your marriage after about 10 or 15 years, anybody reached that plateau and it’s still happening in your marriage, you and I need to talk. I need to share your secrets.

Except in those beginning stages. I wonder why God made us this way. Apparently, God endowed us with this body chemistry to nurture these kinds of relationships so that we would find this mate for our lives. And that what God intended for it to produce could result in our married lives. So, but this is Hollywood’s goal of things. And then once you’ve fallen in love, this person becomes your work. You fix your hopes and your dreams on this relationship and this person above everything else. And so often it doesn’t work out.

As we were talking about this sermon, I was going to preach it a couple weeks ago. Katie and Tom happened. Kate, actually. Tom calls her Katie. That was a big thing in the media. But it didn’t work out. Well, for Tom, it hasn’t worked out several times now. And of course, Jennifer Lopez hasn’t worked out for her several times now. It must be that she’s not finding the right person because we all know she’s absolutely beautiful and one of the most gorgeous women in the world. So it couldn’t be that the guy had become disenchanted with her. Okay, the last guy she married was sort of average to me. But I mean, she hasn’t found the right person. And they keep going through this cycle over and over and over again.

And so, when this doesn’t work out, what do we do? If failure occurs, this is a four-step process. You repeat steps. One, two, and three. As Tom and J Lo and many others in Hollywood have done many times. This is Hollywood’s model for marriage. And it’s a disastrous model. You know, I looked up how many Hollywood marriages, notable Hollywood marriages that have lasted, and there have been some, but not many of late. Maybe some movie stars of 30 and 40 years ago. Yeah, some of them, but how many present Hollywood couples have been married for 25 or 30 years? Not very many. So, in contrast to Hollywood’s formula for marriage, what do we learn from God’s book about his formula for marriage? Is it all about finding that one right exact person?

Do you think that somewhere out there, and don’t say this out loud and don’t tell your spouse this, I want you to just think this. Do you think that there was probably out there someone who might have been a better match for you?

Congratulations.

Some of you might think that. There’s somebody out there who is more compatible. We wouldn’t have as many disagreements. But I don’t care. If you found the absolute perfect match, they’re not going to be just like you in every way. There’s going to be areas of disagreement, moments of conflict. Even if you found the perfect match. I don’t know of anybody that’s been married for 50 years that says we never disagreed about anything over 50 years. I’ve never heard of that. Now, it might be a case where the one person is just simply so docile that they let the other one do whatever they wanted for 50 years and never said a word. But that’s not healthy either. So instead of it being about finding the absolute perfect person, which again, if they are born in China, you’ve got a problem.

3. Be the Right Person

Isn’t it really more about being the right person? And I want to take you to Ephesians chapter 5. And this is not a passage that we would say, oh, this is a marriage passage, but this is about who we’re to be as people. And he says to us in Ephesians 5, verses 1 and 2, be imitators of God as beloved children, and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. He says, be imitators of God. As Paul talks about having good relationships, he doesn’t say, look for a person who will make it a good relationship. He says to all of us, be the right person. Work on you.

And so often in marriage, what we want to do is we want to work on the other person. And yeah, they might need some work, and we’ll get to that in a minute. But the only person that can do that work is them. And so what is it that you really can control in any relationship? Like Paul says in Romans chapter 12, as much as lies in you, be at peace with all men. The only thing you can really control is you. And people change in marriage. The person you’re married to after 25 years or 50 years, it’s not precisely the same person that you married at age 17 or 18, 19, 16, 15. 15. I knew it was young, but that’s young. Robert has changed a lot over the years.

Martha, you remain the same.

But this person is going to change over time. There’s going to be some different things that you’re going to have to get used to. The thing that you can control is you. And your obligation is to be an imitator of God. And I tell you, young people, that’s what you need to take to the marriage relationship. My overriding goal here is to become a better imitator of God. And all of these passages that talk about the kinds of qualities that we should have, often in the context of brotherly relationships, brother to brother, the local church, the development of these qualities will also affect your marriage positively. As we are imitators of him. And the second part of that is that we are to walk in love.

4. Walk in Love

That’s a little bit different than fall in love. You see, the hardest part of marriage is not the falling in love part. The hardest part of marriage is to walk in love. And that is a progression of steps. As you learn about the love of God and the way that he loved us, you have to try to turn around and love other people, including your spouse, in the same way. And that’s a challenge for husbands. Husbands, especially are admonished, is true of the wife as well. Love your wives in the same context, by the way, in Ephesians 5 and verse 25. Husbands love your wives, even as, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. What I think we struggle to do is say, okay, how did Christ love the church?

And sacrificial.

They didn’t merit his love. And I think that’s sort of the basis, after all, we’re Americans, and everything’s got to be fair and just.

God committed his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners. Christ died for us. And my obligation toward my spouse, my children, my brothers, is to walk in love regardless of what they do or don’t do. Does God still love the world? He does. You look at some of the people in the world, he’s like, it’s got to be hard to love them. In a sense, all of us are sinners. So it’s got to be hard to love all of us when you’re a holy and perfect God. But God loves everyone. It’s really an incredible concept. And he did something that was for the benefit of everyone. And so to walk in love in this self-sacrificing way, that’s my goal. That’s my pursuit in every relationship.

You know, this brother over here really is annoying me. And I’m not talking about any brother in particular.

Hope he doesn’t say my name.

So what am I supposed to do? I’m going to walk in love. My spouse is really annoying me. I’m going to walk in love. Yeah, you’re not going to get the endorphin rush that goes with infatuation, but that was the example that our Lord set for us. And the things that we sang, good choice, Taylor. The song from 1 Corinthians 13, all of those qualities. You know, we’ve heard that before. We’ve sung that song many times before. We could probably quote that passage. I mean, do you even have to look at the book anymore when we sing that song? Your part, especially, it’s only one fourth of it. Of 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7. But we know all those qualities, but how well are we doing walking in those things?

You think you could probably do a little bit better in the area of kindness? And I’ll tell you, one of the things that make marriages go sour is that kindness disappears. Patience disappears. Love does not seek its own. People start seeking their own. Love does not take into account a wrong suffer. People start keeping score. They quit bearing. Love bears all things. The practice of sin militates against a healthy marriage. And love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. We need to walk in love. And yet so often we’re going to, we’re going to make this contingent upon the response of our mate. Is that how God displayed his love for us? I think it’s so easy for us to read.

5. Fix Your Hope on Him

Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and think everybody’s going to get it. Well, not unless we thought about the things I just talked to you about. As in this. Hopes and dreams on this ultimate person in this ultimate relationship on earth all the way along, all the way through scripture, even though God places Eve in the garden to be a helper suitable for him and establishes this ultimate relationship that’s governed by this book all the way along. God has foremost pointed us to him. And that a relationship with him supersedes even this marriage relationship. And I’ll tell you what happens when we fix our hopes on him, rather than this mate is going to be the answer for everything. When we fix our hope on him, when we set ourselves to being the right person and walking in love, you will bring the ultimate ingredients to your marriage for success.

6. If Failure Occurs, Repeat Steps One, Two, and Three

I didn’t say that. What I said was, you will bring the ingredients for success and a fulfilling union and for it to be all that God intended for it to be when he created it, not for our misery, as we said in the beginning of this lesson. But sometimes things can still go awry, even if you do all of this. This is the fourth step in God’s formula for marriage. If failure occurs, repeat steps one, two, and three. Just like in the Hollywood formula. Because I’ll tell you, the problem with these relationships, all human relationships, is all of us bring sin into the equation. We bring imperfection into the equation. And even if we pursue all this, we have no guarantee that the one to whom we are married is going to continue to pursue this.

And what can start off so wonderfully and involve two people pursuing God’s model for marriage, somewhere along the way, they can become disinheartened, disenchanted, spiritually weak, and they can quit working on their faith. And what was once vibrant in terms of their relationship with God has now just become a routine. And I’ll tell you a lot of what goes wrong with marriages in the local church has to do with something that has first gone wrong in a person’s relationship with God. Because you give me two people who are pursuing God’s formula for marriage. And it’s going to work.

The aforementioned baggage that we all bring to this relationship. It’s not going to be blissful every moment. There’s still going to be some tedious things and dirty things in life that we’re going to have to deal with.

No cares. All the time. But this relationship will work. And really, what did God have in mind ultimately for the marriage relationship? Two people, companionship, communication, friendship. That ultimately leads where two people at the throne of God. That was his intention for marriage from the very beginning. It wasn’t that this was going to be somehow bliss on earth. Because ultimately, the pretty person that you were at age 18 and 19 is not going to be the person that you are when you’re 49 or 69 or 89. And as you get older, the time that we spent in this budding relationship where there was fun times before the kids came along, and no. Kids are a part of the thrill too. But it’s also a lot of work, isn’t it?

And sometimes a source of strain in the marriage relationship. But then as you get older, the kids fly the nest. Hey, we’ve got some plans for the empty nest, and we’re going to do some traveling, it’s going to be great and wonderful. And then everybody’s name in your address book changes. Everybody’s name ends with the two initials, MD.

Conclusion

Because things start falling apart. And you spend a lot of time in doctors’ offices. Another stage. But it ultimately, where is all of this going? And so when you encounter difficulty, no matter where your marriage is, perhaps, wish there was a rating for marriage. God would give us each a rating. Your marriage is rated at 72, 100 being the best. Or your marriage is rated at about three. But regardless of where you are on that scale, I know this. You want to make it better. I don’t know how much better it can be. You want to make it better. Then you need to pursue this. Because that’s the only thing you can control. And so I’ll just tell you in conclusion. You just got to keep working on you.

And that’s the part. That’s the struggle. That’s what’s wrong with the Hollywood model. You know, when it all fails and goes to pieces, I just got to move on to somebody else. There’s a better fit for me somewhere out there, somebody that I’m more compatible with. And you know what? They bring the exact same baggage that they had in the first marriage, into the second marriage, into the third marriage, until Liz Taylor’s ninth or tenth marriage. I mean, it just gonna keep going because they don’t realize that to make this relationship work, they’ve got to work on themselves. And even they can’t really do the work if you don’t understand the maker of the relationship to begin with. And what his ultimate intentions for us are.

That is, that we try to be like him. To walk in love. As our Savior did and imitate him and to fix our hopes ultimately, not in this person who is going to fail you. They are going to disappoint you. They are going to annoy you in some way at some time. Perhaps you can work through all of that. But we need to fix our hopes first and foremost on God. That relationship has to be first. Some will find themselves in a position where marriage is not an option for them. Oh no. Disaster of disasters. They can’t find the ultimate Hollywood relationship. Perhaps they find themselves put away for the cause of fornication. Perhaps there’s some other reason that will not allow them to marry, or they can’t find someone to love and marry then because of certain circumstances.

Oh no. Ultimate bliss in this life cannot be found. You can still pursue.

Be the right person. In all of your relationships that you do have, walk in love. Fix your hopes and dreams for fulfillment on God and keep working on you. And I’ll tell you what. You may not have enjoyed the fruits of marriage as God intended them when he designed this relationship, but when you get to heaven, you will be completely rewarded with the ultimate relationship that is.

Where are your hopes fixed? On God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy? Have you fixed your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ? Are you fixing your eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith? Or have you taken your eyes off Him? And so if you’re in this audience tonight and you’re not a Christian, I would encourage you first and foremost in your life, you need to be concerned about and thinking about your relationship to God. Have you come to Him on His terms to serve Him and let that be the guiding principle of your life? And if we can instruct you and help you in any way to do that, if you need to obey the gospel tonight, won’t you come now as we say this in together?