God’s Will For Marriage – Part 2

Introduction

Of all the newer hymns that we sing, that’s one of my favorites. I just have a lot of favorites, but that is one of my favorite songs because it comes from Psalm 73, which is a psalm that could give any Christian perspective who is going through difficult times. And I really love that song. Love that song. Good to see all of you tonight. We’re going to continue our study from a week ago on the subject of God’s will for marriage. And I want to review just briefly, it is not God’s will that is that complicated on the subject. The problem is people.

And he’s going to hold us accountable for how we treat his will in regard to marriage. Remember last week the passage I suggested teaches us a lot of the principles of this subject. A very important text as John the Baptist is confronting Herod and Herodias in regard to their unlawful marriage. Again, I draw your attention to the importance of that text. Mark 10, four chapters later, is the same occasion as Matthew 19, doesn’t have the exception clause that Matthew 19 does, but is the same material. Answers the question is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all? And Jesus, though he doesn’t use the term no, certainly implies that the answer is no by what he does say. And one of the things that we pointed out is that divorce, even a divorce for fornication, involves the commission of sin.

To put asunder what God has joined, Matthew 19 and verse 6, constitutes transgression. And even in the case of one who has a right to put away his or her mate, there has been a sin committed that has caused that right to be present. And so here are some of the things that we noted in regard to that Mark 6 text, and one little bit self-serving. Don’t kill the messenger just because you don’t like his message. That doesn’t change the message. And notice that the marriage that Herod and Herodias were in was unlawful. They stood condemned. At least that seems to be their understanding of what John the Baptist was saying, to the extent that Herodias would want him killed for having said something to that effect.

Marriage had occurred. It says he had married her, and yet this marriage was an unapproved union before God. We’re going to talk more about that tonight. Herodias is still bound by God’s marriage law regarding Philip. A wife is bound as long as her husband lives. And the vice versa of that is true in regard to the husband who is bound to a wife. Baptism doesn’t wash away marriages. We explained that last week. And also, in an unapproved marriage, you have individuals who are committing adultery in that unapproved union. So the answer to the question was no, and therefore you get one shot at this. Most of us do anyway. One shot. And you better choose that mate wisely and carefully. And so we talked a little bit at the end.

1. Why Doesn't God Give Us a Mulligan?

Well, Matthew 19, of course, would be the text in that regard. An excellent marriage. What four C’s are necessary to have a marriage that is growing and thriving. And these are very important things commitment, communication, character, and contentment. And I want to begin right there tonight because I asked you to ask any questions that you might have as a result of last week’s lesson. You could email me or text me, and only Ross did. So either that means that I did such a great job last week that there were no other questions out there, or you were afraid to ask, or didn’t know what to ask. But one of the first things that Ross said to me, that was the first thing I thought of when I sit down.

It wasn’t in my notes, but when I sat down, it I guess my own preaching impressed upon me that this is a very serious matter. God gives us one shot at this. Why did he do it that way? And I’ll use Ross’s term that he used when he texted me about this, and that is why doesn’t God give us a mulligan? I like that, Ross, because that’s a golf term. Now, if you don’t know what a mulligan is, it’s a favorite of golfers, especially if we didn’t have time to warm up, you know. So we have an excuse. So we get there on the first T, we come right out of the car, everything’s tight. As you get older, it’s a lot tighter. And you’re trying to get loose, and you may not hit that first T shot very good.

And so, on the very first T, the standing rule is you get a mulligan. That first shot was so bad, you get another shot. And so that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what Ross was talking about. Sometimes you need a mulligan. Now, the guys I play with, you don’t use it on the first T, you don’t get to use it after that. What about marriage? Why doesn’t God give us a mulligan? Now, let me just say in Ross’s events, he is not talking about Lara and needing a mulligan. I mean, she’s very easy to live with, I’m sure. And I grin as I say that. But mulligan. Why not? Well, I can’t know all of God’s wisdom. He doesn’t tell me why. You get only one shot at this.

And it’s unlawful to divorce your mate for any cause at all. So the first thing I would say in answer to that is Romans 11 and verse 33. Unsearchable are his judgments and unfathomable his ways. His ways are past finding out. The King James Version says, I don’t know all of God’s wisdom on this. I don’t know why. At some point, under some circumstances, but beyond adultery, this thing isn’t working out. And so there’s an option for another out. Why didn’t he give a second option? I don’t have all the answers for that. I can’t tell you why. But when I think about what contributes to an excellent marriage, that perhaps some of the answers, they may be many. Perhaps some of the answers are found right here.

Perhaps it is the character of a person that needs to be cultivated. And if we can just opt out, where’s the commitment in that? We’re not going into that with any commitment at all. Where’s the hard work? Where’s the effort? Where’s the change? And look, when you go into marriage, it doesn’t matter how spiritually mature you are at age 22 or 25 or whenever it is you get married, you’re going to have some changing to do. You’re going to have to learn to get along with your spouse and make things work. And it doesn’t matter how smart you are, how spiritually mature you are, you are going to have to do some bending and changing. And so if we go into marriage and, well, there’s no real commitment, you get a mulligan somewhere down the road.

Where’s the commitment in that? And what about the fact that you have children? What about the impact upon them? A lot of people, even in non-spiritual realms, talk about the impact of divorce upon children. Some people say it doesn’t have any impact at all. Seriously. No, this highly impacts the lives of children that are involved. And so perhaps that’s part of it as well, what it does to innocent people who see their parents split up. And contentment. You know, somewhere along the way, well, you know, there might be a better model. Just like we do in regard to our appliances and our televisions. There might be a better model out there that might be just a little bit better fit. Sorry, I’m using my mulligan here, and you kick that person to the curve.

That doesn’t sound very loving, does it? That sounds pretty selfish. That doesn’t sound like character and contentment. And so I could probably go on here a long time. But Ross also wanted me to talk about how we can better cultivate these qualities in our marriage, to which I responded, I’m not an expert. I’m just telling you, these four qualities are what we need to work on in our marriages and work on in ourselves. It’s going to take time, it’s going to take effort, it’s going to take reflection upon the principles of God’s word to produce these qualities. And ultimately, for a marriage to thrive, it’s going to require two people to do that. But even if my mate is only partially involved in the pursuit of these things, I need to be involved wholeheartedly in the pursuit of them.

2. Bear Your Cross for the Lord

Ultimately, I’m going to answer, not for her, not for me, but for what I’ve done. And my responsibilities in this union. Alright, let’s move on to zoom up some other things tonight. Okay, so it’s not ideal. And that’s really a lot of what this discussion is about. This is a less than ideal circumstance that has developed sometimes. Believe it or not, there’s a cross at the center of Christianity. And sometimes, and I may have more on this about fixing our lives and the centrality of the cross and how that message is what Christianity is all about. But we may just have to bear our cross for the Lord. That’s what Jesus says in Matthew chapter 16. Every circumstance in this life cannot be fixed and made rosy like we would want it to be.

And so Jesus says, if anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. What did that mean to those disciples who heard that? Everybody’s cross is not the same. The things that they must bear in order to be a disciple of the Lord, that comes in all different shapes and sizes. And so whatever it is for you bear your cross. And if you’re going to try to hold on to the things that you want in life, regardless of what the Lord’s instruction is, it says, He who wishes to save his life shall lose it, but he who loses his life for my sake shall find it. When self is put aside and the Lord is revered and honored, you find life.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. What is a man profited? Okay, so you want this and you get it. You want that and you get it. But what is a man profited if he gained the whole world and lose his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? And so that’s one of the first things that I wanted to say tonight about marriage. Is that there’s some difficult situations. We could talk about 1 Peter chapter 3 and the wife that has the unbelieving husband. That’s not ideal. That’s difficult. To win them by your behavior and manner of life, I know people. There are people in this audience tonight who have an unbelieving spouse, and that’s that’s difficult. That’s challenging.

But 1 Peter 3 talks about that. And the answer is not getting out of the Marys, the marriage. The answer is showing them the example of Christ. It’s not an easy situation. And some people just don’t have a strong enough faith to endure those kinds of things. Luke 8 14, the thorny soil. It’s the cares and worries and pleasures of this life that choke out the gospel. I find it interesting that the Pope had a statement on Wednesday about divorce. And I was only marginally surprised by this. Catholicism may be moving towards opening doors to the divorce and easing the ban on communion. See, if you’ve been divorced and you’ve not had that marriage annulled by the church, then you are banned. You are not allowed to participate in communion.

It seems like they may be moving toward now allowing access to communion for those who are divorced. This would be, of course, politically correct, and this would allow more people, perhaps, to stay with Catholicism. Let me suggest that some of this is all about being popular with the people. But I’ll tell you, the Catholic Church should not be concerned so much about communion as they are people being approved before God. And because they’re going to allow people who are divorced to partake of communion is not necessarily going to fix their relationship with the community. Of course, there’s a lot of other issues involved with Catholicism, but the statement was made the church must be one of open doors. The article I read observed opponents see a danger to this approach and warn it will undermine church teaching overall in marriage.

3. When Does Approved Marriage Occur?

Another said, Well, it’s not anything goes, but ultimately that’s where it goes. So I want to talk to you about what God thinks about marriage. I want to define approved marriage and approved divorce. I suggest to you last week, and this is an important point, that the passages in Mark 10 and Mark 19 are assuming an approved marriage. That is a marriage in which God has bound. What therefore God is joined together, let no man separate. It assumes that in those contexts. And I say that because obviously, in a case like Herod and Herodias, the only way to fix that situation is for Herod to civilly put her away, and Herodias honor her responsibilities to her husband Philip. In that case, there needs to be a putting away that takes place.

But a putting together of what God has bound. Let us not do that. Matthew 19 and verse 6. So it assumes an approved marriage. So when does marriage occur? Simple. Two eligible individuals. And in our culture, let’s say there’s one male and one female. Not one male and one male or one female and one female, but the biblical pattern is two eligible individuals, one male and one female. And so when does this binding occur? Obviously, there’s an agreement between the two parties to enter into marriage. And there is the meeting of society’s standard for marriage, whatever the cultural standard is for marriage. And passages that talk about a responsibility to civil government are involved in this. Submitting to the authorities as they govern this relationship between two individuals.

And so the meeting of society standards. I want you to turn to Genesis chapter 24 and verse 67. And notice the standards of that day. Here, Abraham was a pilgrim. And so there were no local authorities to which to answer. And here was the custom of that time in verse 67 that Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother Sarah’s tent. He took Rebecca and she became his wife, and he loved her. And may I suggest that’s the key. They had not courted. They had not spent a lot of time dating. Isaac marries Rebecca. The marriage was arranged, and it says he loved. This was going to be his spouse. He loved her. And the objective cultural standard that was met, he took her into his mother’s tent.

And for everyone who observed that, all those who were with Abraham, that indicated that Isaac and Rebecca were married. And so in our culture, there is a marriage license. There is someone who has a right to perform the ceremony, who pronounces them husband and wife, and they kiss the bride, the husband kisses the bride, and there’s an anticipation, of course, from civil government that the decree is going to be signed and submitted. You need to make sure that’s done. That’s a part of the legal process. I don’t know what happens if that’s not done. I’ve never failed to do it for a marriage that I performed, and no, so I don’t know what all the consequences of that are. But that’s what needs to occur. Now, some people bring up in regard to this, what about common law marriage?

How does that enter in? Or an informal marriage, it’s called. That actually might vary from state to state, so you need to know what your laws are. But whatever those laws are, again, when our culture says a marriage has occurred, it has occurred. And informal marriage in Texas, the parties must agree to be married after the agreement, live together in Texas as wife and husband, and three, hold out is the words that use, hold out or tell others that they are married. These three requirements must be present at the same time, or you may file a declaration of informal marriage. Again, whenever recognized standards in our culture are met, you have a marriage. What about divorce? How does that work? Again, it involves the meeting of society’s standard for divorce, a civil declaration that a marriage is physical.

4. Divorce for Pornea by Civil Decree

Whatever was required in the first century, Herod married Herodias. The marriage with Philip had ended through some kind of cultural standard that was met. That’s what happens in our culture. The meeting of society’s standard for divorce, a civil declaration that the marriage is finished. Now, in the case of sexual immorality. You’re putting away a mate, let’s say, for their unfaithfulness. When would you say that they are free? Would you say that the person is free at the moment that adultery is committed? Now, in that case, on many of occasions, the innocent spouse would not know that the immorality has been committed. And what kind of chaos would that be to determine when someone became unbound? We wouldn’t argue that the time of adultery, the committing of fornication, that’s when the divorce occurs.

And what about as legal proceedings are approached? Would you say that they have put away their make for fornication because the legal proceedings are ongoing? So, since you’re putting away a mate for immorality, that you could then date someone else during those proceedings. I’ll tell you, if somebody started doing that, we would all be saying, no, you don’t do that. You don’t need to do that. But why? Because you’re not divorced yet. There has not been a divorce for fornication. You are not yet free. So when is a person free in regard to the unfaithful spouse? When the civil decree has been issued that a divorce has occurred, and that divorce is for, the Greek word is pornea in Matthew 19 and 9 and Matthew 5 and verse 32, when the divorce has been for that cause, then one is free.

Okay, look at Matthew 19 and verse 9. This is not difficult language, Matthew 19 and verse 9. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality. It is again this Greek word, pornea, which is sexual immorality, and marries another woman, commits adultery. So if that exception clause, if that’s not present, you have an unlawful putting away. Not just an unlawful remarriage, but an unlawful putting away. We have put asunder what God has joined. The Matthew 5.32 text sounds very similar, but it’s talking about me putting my spouse away for unjust cause. Really talking about the action that I’m taking when it says, but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, see the issue in Matthew 5 32 is the divorcing.

But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the cause of unchaste or immorality, it’s the same word, makes her commit adultery. What generally people do who are unmarried is that they’ll marry someone else, and so I become a participant in that because I put her away for a cause other than this.

A number of other causes may be present. I’ve known of a lot of these cases where there’s some other things going on besides this. I mean, there might be some financial issues.

You’re going to have some conflict unfold when this is present. There’s been a number of conflicts. There could be some financial issues, there could be support treatment of the spouse that has gone on. And so we say, Well, there’s a lot of other things going on in this marriage. Well, a lot of other things usually attend this in a marriage. But the issue is not all those other things that may or may not be going on. The issue is has this gone on. There is something about this that affects the nature or the sanctity of this union. And perhaps 1 Corinthians 6 goes to explain that. As it talks about the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the one who joins himself to another, commits adultery.

And that we are a temple of the Holy Spirit. The one who joins himself to a harlot is one spirit with her, and yet the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with him. So there’s something about this act that is of a certain nature that affects this union as far as God is concerned.

5. Four Groups Who Have a Right to Marriage

And so that’s why this one exception is given. I want to say more about that. I’m just not sure where I want to fit that in. Okay, who has a right to marriage? We’ll come back to that in a second. This is maybe the easiest way to explain this. There are four groups of people who have a right to marriage. The one, obviously, who has never been married has a right to marriage. The one who’s made has died. Romans 7 makes that clear. 1 Corinthians 7 makes that clear. You are no longer bound because that person is deceased. That person is free to marry, has a right to marriage. And this applies to the first two cases, but it may also apply to another case. Those individuals who are not bound to God’s law regarding another person.

6. Manufactured Rules and Bad Terminology

Perhaps there was a marriage that one entered into to which they had no right. It was an unapproved union. It needed to be severed in order to please God, like Herod and Herodias. And so if you did what was right and ended that union that had no right to exist, you would be in the status of being unbound. And so one who is not bound by God’s law regarding another person. That’s the most difficult one. But then the final one, of course, the one we’ve been talking about, the one who is put away a mate for pornea. And I want to come back to that. That’s really the issue when we face challenging situations on this subject. And a lot of people have manufactured rules about this particular matter.

And I want to talk about those just briefly because when pornea has been committed, we tend to want to put the person who is the innocent party on the spot and say, now you have to make a decision. Whether you’re going to continue in this marriage, or you’re going to put them away. And some of the things we come up with is sort of like you’ve got to make that decision right now. There’s a lot at stake here. There are families at stake. There are children at stake in these decisions. And sometimes you have a seemingly penitent person who is saying, I’m sorry, I love you. They realize what’s at stake here too. If you are a put away person, you are not going to be allowed to marry another with God’s approval.

They realize what’s at stake as well. They know, in a lot of cases, they know what the Bible’s teaching is on that. And so they want to preserve this union, even though they’ve been the unfaithful mate. And sometimes mercy is indeed the best route if you can work past the infidelity has been committed.

And the mate seems penitent about that.

And they attempt to continue in the marriage. So I’d even heard words like that they have consummated again the marriage.

Our grounds automatically forfeited at that point. Let me just suggest to you that some people who say that they’re sorry don’t change. In that moment, they may say a lot of things. Let us not love in murder and tongue, but deed and truth. They may say a lot of things. But what practically changes with that person? I don’t believe it’s a situation where you can hold it over their heads forever. You committed adultery back in 1974, and now I’m unhappy with you and I’m going to put you away. I don’t think you can do that. But after a short period of time, if things are not progressing toward a better marriage, toward real repentance and change. Are we now going to punish this person because they attempted to be merciful and gracious to their mate?

Who makes up the rule that once there have been sexual relations again in the marriage, you therefore then forfeit all of your grounds? Who gets to make up that rule? Here is the rule. The rule is right here. Is the divorce for fornication? That’s the rule. That’s going to be the issue. I want to say one more thing. I want to warn you about some bad terminology. And you hear this a lot because we’re trying to wrap our minds around biblical instruction and the fact that some marriages are unapproved. Let’s say a divorce happens for a cause other than fornication. I didn’t want the divorce. Divorce happens. And obviously God doesn’t approve of the divorce. He doesn’t approve of any subsequent remarriage on the part of either individual.

And so because I didn’t want the divorce, and I wanted to do what God said, the mate did not, some will say, well, but they’re still married in the eyes of God. That’s not good language. As we’ve already seen in the Mark 6 text, Herod had married Herodias. It was an unapproved marriage, but they were still married nonetheless. And let me tell you what the danger of this language is. They’re still married in the eyes of God. From that, people begin to reason that, okay, five years down the road, this person entered another marriage. I know they’re committing adultery now. So now, five years down the road, after our divorce, I’m going to now put them away for their immorality. Sometimes it’s not five years down the road, sometimes it’s six months, sometimes it’s ten years.

I don’t even know of a case where a guy got up before the church and said, okay, now my wife has entered another marriage, and therefore I am now putting my wife away for sexual immorality. This created a big controversy in that local congregation. Here’s my question. How and when is that marriage terminated? So somebody said, I’m going to put her away now, five years after the fact for fornication. Well, how and when is the marriage, was it terminated again when she committed the adultery? Was it terminated when he decided in his own mind I’m putting her away for adultery? Or was it terminated when he got up before the church and said, I’m putting her away for fornication? Now somebody gets to tell me that when I’m done.

When the marriage actually ended. You see, it becomes very subjective, and it involves a redefinition of what divorce is. That’s why I defined it for you earlier. Because now divorce becomes something else. It’s something that only happens in the spiritual realm, I guess. It’s not observable, it’s not objective, it is very subjective. When and how does the divorce take place? It involves a redefinition of divorce. The question is, when is a person free? When? Without a civil decree, when is the person free? And somebody said, but now I understand what you’re saying. I understand the argumentation, but this seems really unfair.

You’re telling me you didn’t want the divorce.

And here now they’ve married someone else, and I don’t have a way or a vehicle to put them away for fornication? That seems very unfair. And so let me just say. It’s unfair. It’s unfair.

I’m going to ask you for where’s the fair passage? This is the American way. Things got to be fair. But where’s the fair passage? What passage are we going to go to? Not going to go to Psalm 73, the one I mentioned in introduction, where everything is fair. When the rich are, when the wicked are rich and fat and happy, and the righteous are poor and mistreated and sad. Where’s the fair passage? That’s Americans talking. That’s not Scripture’s talking. I want to tell you there’s a lot of unfair circumstances that happen to people, not just in marriage, but in life. People that are in the wrong place in the wrong time and awful things happen to them. Life can be unfair. And it can be unfair if you have a mate that doesn’t love God and respect what he says and does this to you.

Yes, it is unfair. But I would ask again, where is the fair passage? I know that sounds insensitive, but by what means are we now going to put them away once a civil decree has already occurred? Divorce for fornication. That’s the only out.

And there’s a lot of people who have a right to marriage, who cannot find someone to marry.

Conclusion

We need to submit to God in less than ideal circumstances. If you’re the spouse that has the unbelieving husband, how wonderful it would be to have a supportive husband who will serve alongside you, serving the Lord. But some people don’t have that. And so to avoid all of these horrible scenarios, if at all possible, I wanted to conclude with one very practical thing tonight, and that is we need to be praying for our mates. We need to be praying for our marriages. God can do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think. And we don’t want to be in these less than ideal circumstances, and the best thing that we can do to avoid that is to be people of prayer and to pursue those four C’s that we talked about in the very beginning in our marriage.

Again, I can’t do that for Sherry, and Sherry can’t do that for me. She may be far more successful than I am in cultivating those qualities. But regardless of whether the other mate is going to do that or not, that is what I am called to do. Submission to God in less than ideal circumstances. And so that’s a good place to offer the invitation. Are you ready to submit to God’s will for your life? Regardless of what that’s going to mean. Regardless of the cross that you may have to bear, because he is worth it, he paid an incredible price for my redemption. If you need to respond, come now as we stand and say.