Disciplining Our Children

Introduction

I want to speak to our younger children and tell you at the very beginning. Kids, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Let’s start with the bad news first. This lesson is going to instruct your parents in regard to the need to spank you from time to time when it is needed. That’s the bad news. The good news is you will not die. And this will be good for you. So really, it’s not bad news at all. Though at the time, all discipline for the moment seems sorrowful, as the Hebrew writer says in Hebrews chapter 12. But in some ways, this is not a laughing matter. And I want to take you to the book of Proverbs to look at four texts that deal with this subject of parents disciplining their children.

And hopefully those who are adults have seen the wisdom of this as these passages have been applied in your life is one way of putting it. They’ve been applied on your person is another way of putting it. Proverbs 13 and verse 24. He who spares his rod hates his son. But he who loves it disciplines him diligently. A few chapters over in chapter 19 and verse 18.

Interesting this little couplet goes together. Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death. Proverbs 22 and verse 15. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. The rod of discipline will remove it far from him. And finally, in chapter 23, verse 13, do not hold back discipline from the child. Although you beat him with the rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with the rod and deliver his soul from shield. Okay, so we need to decide something right now as we begin before we go any further, and that is do we believe God or not? Do we believe the wisdom of these verses that are revealed in Scripture as a part of God’s mind toward us about how we should effectively train or disciplining your children.

1. 50 Years of Research Versus the Wisdom of Proverbs

The original title I gave this is The Consequences of Not Spanking Your Children, but discipline involves more than just the rod, and we’ll get to that momentarily. So I want to talk to you about the consequences of not disciplining your children. And first, I want to see this in relation to 50 years of research versus the wisdom that we’ve read about in the Proverbs. There was an article that appeared in the Houston Chronicle several years ago that began. Researchers have been saying for 50 years, I guess since Dr. Spock’s famous book on this matter, researchers have been saying for 50 years that spanking is not a good way to discipline children. It’s painful and humiliating and leads to resentment and revenge, not remorse or impulse control.

Now, for the first time, someone is saying it’s even worse than we imagined. The more children are spanked, the more likely they will grow up to be less successful academically, have unhappier marriages, earn less money, and live unhappier lives than children who are never spanked. This article assumes a great deal of things that does not include the nature of the spanking that a biblically informed parent does. 6,000 adults were interviewed for this study, and they were asked, can you think of a situation when it’s okay for a husband to slap a wife in the face? Nearly half of those who had grown up being spanked regularly, three or more times a week. That’s a lot of spankings, said yes. It’s hard for me to believe that these people were spanked three or more times a week.

I think in my childhood, I can, I course cannot remember them all, but I’m thinking it had to be 10 or 12 at the most, and probably less than 10. I probably didn’t reach double digits. Three times a week. Well, that was interesting. Adults who had not been spanked regularly were far more likely to say no. Sherry and I together probably didn’t spank our kids any more than I was spanked when I was younger. And the funny thing is, I’ve never hit my wife in the face. And she’s never hit me in the face, and I’ve never thought that was appropriate. Neither did she, even though we were spanked as children. So there’s maybe a lot more to the instruction of this wisdom that’s not being imparted to people if they think that as a result of spanking, that’s it’s okay to hit an adult.

More on that in a moment. University of New Hampshire researcher Murray Strauss concludes if you want your child to grow up to be the kind of person who reasons instead of hits, I can’t imagine why any parent would ever spank. Do you think people as a culture in the American culture are, since spanking is on the decrease in America, that people therefore are less inclined to hitting than they’ve ever been? You think that’s borne out in statistics? I don’t think that’s true at all. I’m amused by psychologist Roni Lederman’s comments about spanking toddlers, which she says is just the result of unrealistic expectations and parents’ high frustration level. The very nature of a toddler is to assert herself, and of course she does this from the female perspective.

The very nature of a toddler is to assert herself, which creates more possibility for conflict. The more you embrace the growth and development instead of fight it, the happier you’ll both be.

So the child, two to three years old, just wants to show out, and she picks up an item off the coffee table that’s glass, and she throws it down and breaks it, and then looks at you. So embrace the moment.

Seriously, that’s the way we’re going to deal with that. What if she starts challenging your authority by continually saying, no? No. Parent asked her, no. Have you ever known of children to do that? Well, embrace the moment. Just embrace it. That’s the recommendation. And so my question is does this person have any kids of her own? To know that this doesn’t work. So, as a result of getting away from spanking as a culture and seeing that is bad. The result is the kids in our schools are better behaved and more compliant. I’m not even done yet. Our kids are better behaved and more compliant than they’ve ever been before. They respect authority. True or false. Again, this research may reflect that some parents have not employed discipline as the Bible teaches it correctly.

2. The Motives of Effective Discipline

But this does not deny that spanking is an illegitimate way of assisting you in disciplining your kids to respect authority, to respect what is right and wrong, and to learn important lessons when foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, when they’re learning, when their consciences are being trained and being developed. When they’re developing an understanding of right and wrong. And so for a few moments, I want to talk to you about the motives of effective discipline. Now, does anybody know why I decided to preach on this subject tonight? To my knowledge, I’ve not preached this here in five and a half years. It’s time. Why would I choose to preach this sermon right now? Well, if you follow football, this is actually in the news.

Star running back for the Minnesota Vikings, Adrian Peterson, is not playing football because of an incident of discipline in regard to his children. His son had to be taken to the doctor after receiving significant wounds from Adrian. I have seen pictures of those wounds, perhaps you have. And I would suggest that they are far more severe than anything that I have ever received, or any that I have ever seen on someone else. And this was, I think, 24 hours after the fact. And so the discipline may have been excessive. It would have been excessive in regard to what I would have done to my own children. And so one thing I want you to understand about these passages is that all spanking is not approved discipline.

And maybe that’s the part of, and do not desire his death. The purpose of the rod in the Proverbs is to impart instruction and training for the child’s learning. And when that’s not the motive, when it is the frustration of the parent. And yes, your children may anger you by the things that they do. But parents, let us not respond out of selfish anger. But let us be thinking in the exercise of this discipline that I need to train my child in regard to what is right and what is wrong. Let it be tempered by God’s instruction about love. Love does not seek its own. Love is kind. Love is patient. And so when I think about those spankings that I received when I was younger, none of which left me bruised for days or required a visit to the doctor.

But I do remember crying rather significantly when my dad said, go get the yardstick. You know, that was part of the training is that you had to go get the rod and bring it to him. And as I was laid over his knees, and that very thick yardstick was applied to my backside again on very few occasions.

It hurt. It was painful. But I learned something about respecting my dad’s authority and respecting my mom’s authority. And so I do not begrudge them doing what the wisdom of Scripture suggests that they should do. A parent who is abusive, who disciplines for the wrong motives, or over much, is abusive and sins against God. And so I would just say, if you’re going to err on one side or the other, may I suggest tenderness rather than severity in terms of the use of a rod? We should learn something in this regard from the instruction of Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4. We’re to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Some translations use the word discipline and instruction. All of those words are good.

The nurture and admonition, the discipline and instruction of the Lord, is what I’m going to do going to cause my child to hate me? Or is it going to cause them to respect me? Are they going to understand why this measure had to be taken? And will they imitate me in a positive way with their own children, seeing the benefit of what I did for them? Is all they ever get from me, the only way this doesn’t work properly is if all they ever get from me is negative.

If all they ever get from me is negative and they don’t ever get anything positive from me, how do you think that is going to affect or shape the psyche of the child? Well, again, getting back to the original quotations of the psychologist, if you employ the rod, are they getting conflicting messages on hitting and violence? And my answer to that is if the Lord, in the wisdom of the proverbs, said that we should put the rod into use in disciplining our children, then my answer to that is no. It’s not an inconsistent message. He doesn’t expect these kids, because they’ve been spanked to grow up to hit in every circumstance where there’s conflict. That’s not the result. If the proper training and instruction is done, why would we spank the child without sufficiently explaining to the child the why, the purpose of the discipline?

We make a mistake. If all we do say, well, the scriptures say apply the rod, we applied the rod, the child doesn’t understand. And I know they’re little, and I know it may take, depending on their age, some time to explain. And I think it would be helpful if they see the pain that it causes you to have to take this measure. Parents, have you ever disciplined a child that resulted in a spanking and you cried as they cried? I gotta tell you, I never ever enjoyed it. And if we do enjoy it, that is a reflection of abuse and not the kind of discipline that we’re reading about in the scripture. Well, is it sending inconsistent messages? Murray Strauss says, Children who are spanked come to believe that parents are doing it for their good.

So at least he acknowledges that. But as they grow up, they conclude when someone misbehaves and persists in it is morally correct to hit them. You know, that never happened to me. I never thought that it was okay to hit someone because my dad spanked me. That didn’t pan out in my experience, and I’m sure in regard to some of yours.

3. The Modes of Effective Discipline

I know what it’s like to get hit and it hurts, but I should not hit my brother because it’s wrong. It’s okay for a big person to hit a small person when you’re the parent. Is that really what the child thinks when he or she is disciplined correctly? The article then asserts over time, this takes on a morality all of its own. And may I suggest that this instruction from psychologists takes on a morality all of its own that is not consistent with biblical instruction from the wisdom of our eternal creator. Let me talk to you for a second about the modes of effective discipline. Should we spank a child for every infraction? I mean, if you do that with some children, you would be spanking them literally all day long.

Some children, because of the genetic package that they were dealt with, and if you’ve not seen a lot of children, you need to witness a lot of children. Some children come out of the womb, and it’s a fight from the very beginning. They’re not even four months old, and you’re already in a tussle. That’s why the book, The Strong Willed Child was written. Some children are going to push their parents with a letter. And sometimes, I feel sorry for parents. The first child comes along, absolute model baby. I mean, just perfect, adorable, never a problem. The second child comes along, and you’re sure they have a demon. Absolutely convinced of it. So don’t think because the first one came out was very calm and placid, but the next two or three will be so.

In fact, your kids may be very different from one another. Ours were. And that may be your experience as well. There are other techniques that people use, and what I can say is the Bible is not saying spank the child in every circumstance when he or she needs correction. And some of the other methods that people have talked about have their place. You may see the wisdom in them in that they are affected to get the results that you want. Separate the child from the activity. Sometimes we call that timeout. Everything doesn’t have to be a spanking. Perhaps your child responds to the timeout method. Give it a whirl. Or take away something from the child that the child really wants. Might be another effective mode.

Enlist the child’s help. That’s what some suggested you do. If the child is continually spilling his milk. Okay, well, that may not be a punishable offense in regard to spanking, but let’s get the child involved in cleaning up the milk. And they may be a little more careful in the future. It’s a combination of alternative strategies that might be the key to getting the response from your child. But when you do have to inflict a more severe punishment. Again, make sure the child understands why it is that you’re doing this. That unacceptable behavior has occurred, what the wisdom of Scripture calls it foolishness. The unacceptable behavior has occurred, and that behavior needs to be stopped. Inflict pain as a future reminder to avoid such conduct. You know, God didn’t always discipline his people in exactly the same way every time.

Sometimes it got severe, but sometimes it was simply warning and instruction. He didn’t always discipline the same way. Instruct them in God’s way, teaching obedience and respect for authority. If you allow the child to be the authority, they will not learn to respect authority in their lives. I have seen it so many times in the grocery store. I get uncomfortable for the parent. When it is obvious that the child is in control of the situation. Sometimes you see it in the local church. The child, as it begins to grow, as he or she begins to grow, they start to figure out some things. Like, you know, if I throw a hissy fit, my mom and dad will take me out. And if they take me out, they may take me to the nursery and let me sit on the floor and play.

Or let me run around because I’m really tired of sitting. And the children, this is a good one. As they get a little bit older. You know, if I tell my parents I’m thirsty, they’ll probably let me go get a drink of water. And then you get this consequency, because you know their thirst is going to kill them if they don’t get a drink in the next 15 minutes. And so they go outside. And it’s amazing how I can take 10 minutes for them to get a drink or go to the restroom. My parents always said, I’m not saying you can’t ever go out in an assembly. But if you need to go out and go to the restroom, it better be an emergency. Perhaps there is a physical problem.

Sometimes kids have those physical problems. I acknowledge that. But my parents don’t be a disruption to the worship of others. It better be an emergency. You better have tried to take care of that as much as your knowledge would allow before the assembly started. And I’ll tell you, kids don’t have to be five years old to start figuring all this out. They’re figuring it out at a very early age. I can get away with sometimes discipline has to start a little earlier than you would have liked.

4. Remind Them of the Why of Their Discipline

Remind them of the why of their discipline. I think this is the most important thing I can tell you, along with the points in the Proverbs about employing the rod. It’s discipline, it’s instruction, it’s training. If the child isn’t learning the why of the discipline, then it’s not going to be a faith. It is going to be just hitting. And if all they see is an angry parent, but if they don’t understand this behavior is unacceptable, this behavior is not respectful, it’s not obedient. And you take the time to explain to the child the why of the discipline. You know, all of God’s discipline is accompanied by communication. In regard to the severest of discipline, plenty of communication preceded it.

5. If You Choose Not to Employ God's Discipline

If you choose not to employ God’s discipline, best wishes. But do not expect great results. Again, I don’t believe our society is getting any better as a result of listening to Dr. Spock or other psychologists who are saying, well, that biblical instruction is old, it’s antiquated, and that’s really the approach that’s taken. It’s out of date. That’s old stuff. We’re more enlightened now. Sort of sounds like the a lot the agnostics or the Gnostics, rather, of 1 John, doesn’t it? We’re more enlightened. We know better. And so God’s instruction is set aside. Is our society better off? Are kids more well behaved than ever? How have the last 50 years worked out for us? Do you think there will ever be a swinging of the pendulum back in the other direction?

But I’ll tell you.

It doesn’t matter that Adrian Peterson went too far or went further than any of us would go in regard to disciplining our children with the rod. What is going to happen is you’re going to hear louder cries for no spanking at all under any circumstances. You cannot touch the child.

Well, let me just tell you what happens. When and if this does happen, I can see this happening. A recommendation. When you need to spank your kid, don’t announce it to the community. Well, ah, I spanked my kid. Well, don’t you wouldn’t want to invite the repercussions or tell a police officer that such has occurred. But we may have to do what is prohibited in our culture to get the kind of results, the wise results that the scriptures are helping us to find. So you don’t have to discipline, but don’t respect your kid. Don’t expect your kids to respect authority. Instead, expect them to be rebels, not understanding the rights of others to impose limitations. I think that’s one of the important things that happens in discipline.

Conclusion

Kids learn that the buck doesn’t stop with them. That there’s somebody who has a right to dictate something in their lives. They need to know that about God. That He has a right to dictate behavior in their lives. He is a greater authority, he is a wiser authority, as hopefully parents are in regard to their children. Again, foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child. If not, you can expect your kids to think that they are the controlling authority, and they do. And tragically, you can expect them to repeat the same mistakes with their own kids. Again, I’m going to go back to where this all started, and that is, do we respect God and his instruction? Or not? What we’re saying when we say, you know, that’s antiquated, that doesn’t work, that’s out of date.

We’re exalting our very finite and limited wisdom that we’ve gained in our short lives on this earth with the understanding of God who is infinite, whose understanding is infinite. Psalm 147, 4 and 5. So are we going to listen to the psychologists or are we going to listen to the creator of man? One who knows what is best for man. That really becomes the issue here. When people stop listening to God, the result is always disaster. What does that passage in Jeremiah 10 and verse 23? Can you quote it? The way of man is not in himself. It is not in man that walks to direct his own steps. And whenever man has done that, it is disastrous. And Jeremiah speaks those words just prior to God’s severe judgment of Judah by the Babylonians.

The way of man is not in himself. The fact is, we need the Lord’s ways. We need to listen to the Lord’s ways. We need to respect his ways and do our best to comply with them. Is there somebody in this audience who needs to comply with the instruction of Scripture in regard to the salvation of your soul? We sing a song of encouragement. Let’s stand and sing.